Manifesto of Middlesex Cricket Club

We smoke a lot, bicker and also play in the Cricket League of New Jersey, a Mini-League and Friendlies. You can send us e-mail if you want to join. Joining easy, but how much you play & where you bat is another matter. We have complex, unwritten, unspoken guidelines for selection. Even members who have been with the club for a year do not understand them. In fact it is almost certain no one person knows them all. It is as if the selection committee is a living, thinking being on its own, independent of its members. It is evolving into a scary entity like a Sci-Fi Horror movie character Various strategies to appease this beast have partially worked: Squeaking loudly, Certain forms of Pooja, Holding in your possession equipment without which a game can't be played, Participating in some factions(this word is taboo. You can't say it aloud) within the club, Participating in clubs within the club(eg: cards and drinking), Buying gifts for children of powerful members of the club , Writing long e-mails that people dare not answer for fear of longer replies. One strategy that does not seem to work is playing well, keeping to yourself, being modest and unselfish. One member once helped save a collapsed batting, bowled a solid spell to make the game respectable, and then signed up as "Available if needed" for the following game. He has not been seen since.

Claiming to be an allrounder does not improve your chances. You will be deemed a bowler or batsman depending on what half of the innings we are playing. Guess when you will be a batsman and when you will be a bowler. There is one exception, but then he is a Selector as well a Mouth. One of us achieved tremendous success by renouncing bowling completely. He has batted at #1 for 7 out of 8 games!

If you are a good fielder, you will field on some boundary where the ball is hit a lot and you are blamed for everything that goes between the two nearest fielders on either side. The rule applies to the the two guys on each side too. It doesn't make sense, you say. Hey Einstein, didn't we say there is something eerie about this team? Our space is not Euclidian, ok? Some our fielders who dropped catches have reported the ball doing things that defied Newton's and even Einstein's laws. Further, they are relative to the observer. Only the fielder in question observed each of those occurrences. The other 10 fielders reported a different, no less amazing, phenomenon: the ball went straight into the hands of the catcher and then to the ground as if there was a hole in the hands!

If you let the first ball you field go through your legs and your subsequent throw, involving every joint of your body except your shoulder, needs another fielder to relay it to the pitch, you may get lucky and be redesignated as a short square leg or gully where your job will be to act as decoy when batsmen push the ball in your area and think about a single. Should the batsmen attempt a single, you must under no circumstance attempt a runout, for if the batsmen see how you pick up and throw, your role as a decoy is over. Instead, you shall execute a dive and fall just short of the ball and let the batsmen complete the run. If the ball is too close to dive short of it, you have to be more creative, such as covering your eyes and pretending the sun was in your eyes. Two people have cited raindrops in their eyes, just so you know that one is getting old.